First of all, let me allay one point of confusion: My actual Mom and Dad are extremely unhelpful people and will be quite a way down the list of people to come out to. All further references to my "Mom and Dad" in this post refer to my wife's parents, who care a great deal more about loving people, and to whom I am as endeared as any daughter (or son) to her (or his) biological parents. I love my own parents a lot, they're just difficult, and always have been.
So yeah, I came out to my Mom last night. My wife and I have been talking at length these last months and we've finally struck on a compromise that may work for us. Transitioning to a female body and lifestyle is too much for her, and would be, at best, harmful to our children. Its sad that society would be so happy to emotionally beat them for having a loving, but trans parent, but that would be the case, nonetheless. However, as most trans folks know, living as the wrong, biologically enforced gender forever is also extremely harmful. I feel like I'm bottling up the acid and poison of the world's hate for me and soaking my heart in it; hoping in vain that by staying secret, I'm helping someone. But that very real hatred tears and shreds the soul, and my heart's endurance is failing...
Neither can I change to a woman, nor can I live as a man. In one way or the other, I am neither.
My wife put it this way. She cannot probably survive the social and familial upheaval of a transition, and could not sleep but in tears next to a fem-styled man whom she once was attracted to. But at the same time, she cannot be the jailer for someone she loves so dearly. She cannot bear the pain and misery of her companion's shackled life, knowing that she holds a key to her female husband's freedom. Yet using that key will slay her.
So it seemed we were at an impasse, and that's not a place we are willing to be. It has begun to look like we needed to start helping each other dig some other tunnel out of this cell.
What we've decided is that, first of all, I need to be out. I cannot carry the secret between just herself and I any more than she can, because we will always have very real, legitimate, but unfortunately opposed desires. I need to be able to tell my family and friends who I am. We all long to be known and loved, and though in my case, being known means shocking a lot of people, it is the same basic desire of every human heart. "Please know me. Please love me." Not everyone will, of course, but that too is a reality that all humans face, whether they are so fortunate to be cis- or not.
Secondly, we are going to explore how I might start a slow process of presenting in an androgenous way. I thank all the "metrosexual" style folks for opening some doors for more feminine looks for men. I also thank the courage of the gay community for forcing the issue of looks on the world: it seems they may have bought me an opportunity.
We're still working through the beginning details, and for her sake, we are going to be extremely slow and self-evaluating in the whole deal. I'm growing out my hair, and finally (FINALLY!) going to be able to shave off all the rest. I'll use girl deodorant and all those fun things that nobody will notice anyway. That's the start, but its all still invisible to all but ourselves. Next will be a very slow (spelled: budget) change in my wardrobe. Not sure how to go here, but again, looking for close-fitting, sometimes mens' styles that help me look and feel more girly, without crossing too many social boundaries. Lastly, we're talking about a very subtle makeup routine. Just masking and brightening, the stuff actors do, and maybe the faintest of eye makeup. Who knows where all we'll end up, as dysphoria may pop up in places I don't expect, but we're going to work on it together. There will be some things that will cause her a great deal more anxiety than others, so we will avoid them (earrings may be on this list, sadly...). The main hope is that we'll strike on a look that I feel good about (especially in my daily routine, which will feel GREAT), that will make some people pause and wonder. I hope that I'll be asked if I'm gay, occasionally, because that will mean that enough of my real self is shining through as to be recognized.
So we'll see how it goes.
Back to my Mom though. My wife decided that there was no point in forestalling the first step, as she'd just get more and more anxious as days ticked by. So I called last night. I hoped that both of them would be around. Certainly they deserve to be able to grapple with it together. But my Dad is on a business trip at the moment. I talked briefly to my wife, and she said, just do it. So I did.
"What do you know about transgenderism?..."
The first thirty minutes were very good. She was shocked, naturally, and had a huge surge of compassion; wondering how I'd managed to survive it all, etc... I talked about my childhood, and the science of it (brain differentiation and all). Her mind started catching up with her emotions at some point, however, and one by one, her defense mechanisms whirred into action. How wonderfully attentive to distress our minds are! Thankfully, even after another hour, her opposition was not as bad as it could be. She naturally feels threatened by me telling other people, and would rather a very VERY small circle ever know (like, herself, her husband, and that's it). There is a real concern that her other daughter, my wife's sister (mostly because of her husband) would deny our family, or at the very least, myself, any access to our niece and nephews. Can't have me corrupting their sons, after all. I hear it's contagious... So yes, joking aside, she's concerned, as she should be, that my "problem" will hurt the family... and it probably will...
She finished by desperately asking that I don't talk to my Dad immediately. She seems to know something about his likely reaction... He is a very respectable man, by the way, in whom I have the highest regard. Religious, and extremely loving, which tends to go hand in hand with those who actually live as Jesus suggested, rather than just hammering on those who don't. Part of what has made him such a great person is his dedication to his family, and willingness to tough it out for anyone under who has found themselves sheltered by his arm, related or not. A man's job is to take care of his family, no matter what the cost, and no matter what his wayward heart my tell or ask of him. (Can you see where this is going?) Furthermore, he respects me, and will absolutely tell me the truth, if I am going to hurt myself or other people. He was the only one who was tough enough to keep me in college, for instance. So his advice is going to sting an awful lot, I'm afraid. Partly because he, like most others, will not see me clearly for quite some time, and partly because I myself have already told myself those things. I know what my responsibilities are, and I will keep my promises to my wife and children. I suffer excessively in knowing that I have not been strong enough to keep this all locked up inside. I wish I could just bear it, but my life has shown me that I cannot.
In humility, I have to admit that I cannot maintain my role as a man by myself anymore. I hope that I'm a girl who's made out of strong stuff; courage and resolve, patience in affliction, and all those qualities I so admire in my heroines and role models... So he will be right. I "should" have been strong enough to deal with it all... but I am not (and that is not how God made me, it seems).
So we will see. I hope that our imminent trip down to see them (in a few weeks) will help alleviate some of their fears. I am as I have always been; my personality is authentic. I hope that seeing me play with the kids and talk and love as I always have will help them see that I am neither a freak, nor psychologically deranged. Lots of hopes...
Finally, a very positive note that has made me smile. Why end on a downer, after all? My mother-in-law, having heard my story, started thinking out loud. "So many pieces are starting to make sense." I asked her what kinds of things were coming to mind. "Well, there are quite a few... but for instance, you've always had a way of flowing into the room, like when you are coming to get the kids, and so many of your mannerisms are so very soft and gentle... I've always noticed that about you"
=) See, I really am buried inside this XY flesh somewhere! I didn't know that I could be "flowing" in anything... always been sort of clumsy, I thought. Well done, female brain!
No comments:
Post a Comment