My wife and I have been talking a lot about our possible courses of actions. (Crying more than talking, sometimes.) There is a lot of future ahead of us, which, being a team, we want very much to work together toward the best version of it. But right smack in the way of our view, is my femininity. We both want to plan and dream; raise our kids, be great parents, build memories, serve our community and world... but there I am, with a giant question-mark casting its long shadow.
We both feel that we are in each other's way. She doesn't know how to approach life with a female partner (and all the ugly family dimensions that would bring). I don't know how to approach life as a man, even with the decades of experience. I feel so tired of the charade. So both of us feel like we cannot succeed in doing the thing we'd like for each other. I'd love to bottle it all up and not let that hammer fall on her. She'd love to press the "Freedom" button and not keep me locked in the emotional wasteland... but neither of us feel like we are able... neither of us feel like we could manage...
So here we are, our own best friend's biggest hurdle. Neither of us have any doubt that we will weather whatever storm fate throws our way, and suggestions of giving up on each other invokes a similarly fierce defence mechanism in us both: we will never let go of each other.. it's what makes us "us."
So here we are, clinging to each other, heart and soul as we plummet into the unknown.
Maybe, at the end of the day, it pays to just sit down with a big bar of chocolate. How else do you get by, sometimes? I don't have a feminine figure to worry about, after all... though now that I think of it, my wife can't eat chocolate... allergy and all... just can't win tonight. ;)
Much Love,
Hailey
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