My Story - Who I am Today

Who Am I?

Who am I...  I'm a boy, and I'm a girl, and a lot of times, I'm not convinced I'm either one. Sometimes I wonder what it means if a person can't answer such a straight-forward question about themselves... but that is where I live: in the space between 1 and 2, in a world where there are no decimals.

Sometimes I hate being a girl just as much as I hate being a boy. The amount of stress and heartache it causes, the endless volume of emotion spent on seeking impossible answers, and worse, the dark cloud of UNKNOWN that hangs over my only confidant, my beautiful wife, takes its viscous toll on both of us. But if there's one thing you can't sacrifice on the alter of contented living, it's your self. This is not something I can give up, whether I would or not.

In the midst of it all, however, there are still a few things that are more certain than is my gender.  I love God, fully and completely.  My whole life is His.  That love, second to His own, defines me and carries me through all the storms of life.  He has been my dearest friend. Next, I love my wife and my three beautiful children much more than I love myself. I could never choose to help myself by hurting them; it's just not in my nature. These five loves; God, wife, two daughters, and son, define me more deeply, and more meaningfully, than my outward appearances and societal roles. Love is why we live, I think. So those things I am sure about; and all else comes second to those sureties.

Day to Day

If you like, you can think of me as a pretty thirty-something with a thing for long, sleeveless dresses, flowers in my braids, and a shy smile. That's me in my mind's eye... the dream of a wish that no fountain or faerie can grant.  But in cloud castles, we can all be beautiful... As I write these thoughts, as this anonymous digital persona, it is this young lady is who I am trying to be, or maybe its better to say, it is from her eyes that I am trying to express myself.

If you met me on the street, the person you wouldn't probably notice, is a thirty-something man in business attire... average and boring enough not to affect anyone's day, or attract any particular attention.  It's simple enough to say, yet painfully difficult to live with.  Guys aren't supposed to cry either, even if a shy, mild-hearted girl is lost underneath all that social acceptability.  So there I am, as plainly and vaguely, yet as honestly, as I can express.