Sometimes it just gets bad. I have no idea why some days, weeks, even months are easy and why, suddenly, the next one isn't. That's the way it goes, I guess. They call it "gender dysphoria," a word my Kindle doesn't even know apparently... that terrifying emotional tsunami that threatens to drag your whole life into the depths.
I don't know if my particular cloud of gender schism is any harder than it is for others... its hard though... very hard. Maybe I'm just easily overwhelmed by it. But whether the drowning girl is a good swimmer or not is hardly the point, is it? The simple fact is, she needs help!
So that's my question. As a non-transitioner, I've got the unlikely task of needing to find things that will help ease the emotional pressure, but without fueling it in the long run.
All my girl-wishes are no good; painted nails, earrings, shaved legs... they're all very visible, at least to my LW, and more importantly, they are things I identify with my female self... and that would make me want it even more... can't allieviate the tension by adding yet more torque to the lever, after all...
But there must be something. I've been thinking of taking up painting, for instance. I really like a lot of the Japanese styles, old and new. I figure nobody would really notice anything amiss if I started painting lotus blossoms and cranes. I'm a plant lover already. But the point is, of course, to paint in all my favorite pinks and purples... colors I'm only currently allowed in dress shirts and vintage tees. The aesthetic sense appeals to that side of me too.
But what else? What do non-transitioning types do when it gets bad? I'm in this one for the long run, so it'd be great to have as many tricks up my sleeves ad possible.
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