New Difficulties of Being Non-op

Some of you may know that I'm avoiding an outward transition...  Plainly, I'm trying my best to do what's best for the hearts and lives of my wife and children, even if that's hard on me.

Last week I came out to my parents (-in-law) and my wife's brother.  Someone on tumblr compared the emotional side of coming-out to riding a roller-coaster during an earthquake.  Yeah... something like that...

It's not been too bad, as I said in my last post... but a lot of that is due to my family's relief that I'm not rushing into some change that they're not ready for (or accepting of, as of yet).  They're still very much in the beginning of the process.  What is transgenderism?  What does this mean?  Is he crazy?  Why does he think he's a girl?  Maybe it was his parents' fault?  We all know he had a rough childhood...  Does this mean he's made a homosexual out of our daughter?  Is their marriage valid in God's eyes?

You know, the works.  They're at the beginning, and I have much faith that they will move past some of the sillier questions soon.  They really are good people; honest, and serious about their faith, but loving more than most other things. 

But there is an emerging problem that is worrying me.  Having told them that I am, metaphorically, locked in a strange sort of tower, but for the world's sake, staying inside for the time being, they are more than willing to say, "no problem, we'll help you keep the door shut!  Just tell us how we can help.  We love you and will stand by you through this... just stay in there and hang in there!"  It's more than a little invalidating, but also, by the nature of my choice, something like inevitable.

I'm worried that having suffered through life as an unknown girl, that now I may have to suffer as a known, but invisible girl.  Its easy to ignore a unwanted person who is "happy" enough to stay invisible for you, after all.   Furthermore, if I'm willing to repress myself for their sake, it will be much easier for them to view me as repressing an affliction of some kind, rather than what I'm actually doing: masquerading as the boy version they're all so comfortable with.

Difficulties...

So I'll give them time.  I have hope that, at the very least, they'll start seeing me as an extremely feminine boy, even if my choices allow them to ignore the final bit.. (I'm not a boy...)  That will be worth something.  There will be a few of my more imaginative friends that might, someday, realize that we are all just souls, piloting these strange biomechs, and though many of us have appropriate markings on the exterior, such happy coincidental match-up isn't true for all of us.

We'll see where it goes.  Time isn't my enemy, for the moment.  The dysphoria is shockingly bad, sometimes, and I've cried a lot more than is probably healthy...  just afraid that giving them room to breath will leave me with precious little.

Much Love,

-Hailey-



PS  Anyone out there tonight?  I'm feeling a touch lonely...  love you all!