The Interesting Thing About Life

So I'm a grad student, and am taking a lot of rather cerebral classes lately.  I know I shouldn't be embarrassed about being intelligent, but there it is.  In any case, in one of my classes, we talk a lot about assumptions being made to support certain predictions.  If such and such a thing is true, then this and this and this... you know, logic and math.  But the other day, in my theory class, we started talking about WHY we make certain assumptions.

The thing about our assumptions, sometimes, is that as normal and required as they may seem; simple and obvious even, they really aren't always quite so rational...  (Okay, miss Hailey, get on with it) (Oh, right!)

So the thing about life, is it goes on.  Its always gone on, for all of you, and always goes on for me.  But thinking about it... why doesn't it end when we go to sleep?  Maybe some moment when you blink, your eyes don't open again... why not?  We make the very valid assumption that time continues.  So I've been thinking about this a bit.  I don't know why I've been given the gift of a continuous time stream, stretching out in front of me, filled with the unknown future, but the thing is, whether I understand the assumption or not, it seems very true.  And when you look at your future, knowing full well that all else in life is based solely on the notion that life continues, there are two options:

Hope or Despair

(Now she's getting somewhere!)  For so long, the future has seemed so bleak for me.  I don't know how best to love my dear, wonderful girl.  It seems like no matter what I do, there is a high chance of her being extremely battered and bruised.  She's clearly not ready for any kind of transition, and is equally un-ready for a life of keeping me in a cage...   So that's how I've often thought, and its a heavy weight to carry.  Most days I cry if I think too hard about it all.

But ultimately, I still do assume that life will go on, and in light of that, the mathematics are still quite plain.  Life will be filled with its critical points and inflections no matter what we do or don't do.  That will always be true.  Its not a flat line... things change, we change, people change.  So we are at something of a drawn out critical point right now (yeah, math people, I know... make it a flat-line discontinuity, if you like).  Where life goes from here is a bit unknown, but that it will go somewhere is something that I'll take on faith.  So, the only real question is, how best can I live?  I can still love, and give, and cherish.  I can still encourage and bear with.  Some things are exogenous to my equation.  I may not have too much choice left in transitioning.  I will not willfully add suicidal depression to my variables; not again.  So with that constraint, I will still do the best I can.  I will make my choices so that in the end, I won't be able to blame myself for not loving where I could have, or not caring where I should have.  People will have their ups and downs too, but not all of that (most of that... any of that?) is in my control.

So yeah, mathematical emotions... its how I am.  At least, if it bored you, you wouldn't have gotten quite this far. =)

Well, I'm off to counselling.  Yay for mental health!  (Don't you just love healthy minds?) I'll try not to use the same terminology on the poor intern I'm seeing today... social science major, after all. (kidding! i'm kidding!)

Much Love!

- Hailey -