I've been meaning to write about the great things that have been happening to me these last few weeks... but, as life goes, by and by, the pain of one thing overwhelms the joy of the others. I'm sorry to cry, maybe, since so many of my posts are really a translation of my silent tears... unspendable on warm, caring shoulders, as I have none close enough. (How I cry for you, Nicole... I could use you today...)
Last week I got my blood work for HRT done. Everything came back great... healthier than I've ever been, in fact. My counselor enthusiastically wrote "the letter," knowing nothing better for my psychological well-being than the medicines to quell this androgen disease.
But my wife isn't ready. Originally, we had planned to see the doctor together, but as I visit the campus clinic, hours don't readily overlap well with the schedule of a family of five. The first few times, I went myself, because of this. But now we're ready to start, and my wife feels like I've betrayed some small part; some large part... of our agreement. She feels like I've removed her from the picture, and am moving forward, down my own road without her.
I understand the sentiment... though it was not my intent at all. So, instead of going in tomorrow... ... ... I'm rescheduling for some new appointment in the future. Hopefully it won't be too far out, but i'm not hopeful. They are quite busy. Two more weeks won't actually kill me, right? My wife has asked why such a short time weighs so heavily on my heart.
To voluntarily give up the medications... to wait a few more days to eat, starving though I am... to wait another hour for an ambulance, though I lay bleeding on the rain-soaked pavement... (yeah, I'm getting a little melodramatic... I know...)
I want to express how hard it is for me to do this... and have tried, but she is unmovable. I want her to be a part of this very badly. I can think of nothing better than to transition together, rather than alone, but this is very hard.
She has no intention of saying no to HRT in general; but only wants to talk to the doctor; to feel like she's in the loop. I understand that quite well... I wish it didn't hurt so much to wait...
So to all of you ladies out there who DO understand how it must feel to deny myself this, I just wanted to say, I'm crying... and I'm crushed.. and I'm glad that you understand, and that some of you care. I don't now how I'd make it through all this without you all. Really.
All my love, and with all my heart.. broken though it is.
Your Hailey
Showing posts with label HRT. Show all posts
Showing posts with label HRT. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Friday, January 18, 2013
A Long-delayed Explanation
Anonymous Wrote:
I've known I'd have to write this post for some time, but, as things often go, have tried to delay the inevitable. When I started this blog some months ago, my whole hope was to combat my dysphoria through my writing. I thought, if I could keep reminding myself of all the reasons why transitioning "will hurt everyone," that, through patience and discipline I could keep that hammer from falling onto my brittle life.
So what's changed, since then? I guess it's been a lot of things, some lesser, and some much greater. My line of reasoning for non-transition was really three-pronged, and each of those three ideas have been challenged. Firstly, my wife didn't want me to change. That alone, I thought, would keep me locked up forever. I would die for her, so why not live, albiet as a man that I'm not, for her? Secondly, my kids... How to even begin expounding all the ways society would make their life difficult because of me... and lastly, because, in love, I'd rather be hurt than to hurt; to sacrifice rather than require sacrifice, to cry myself, day after day, rather than cause tears.
What I hoped, was that in reminding myself of these, in clear, plain writing, which has so often helped me focus my thoughts and encourage myself, I might help myself endure, and, with any luck, help other people who are trying the same thing. I'd found nobody else like me, after all, and figured that if we were out there, nobody would know, precisely because we weren't transitioning. I thought maybe, somebody out there, might feel less lonely and hopeless because of me. Vain, maybe, but not the worst kind of vanity... Something inside of me wanted to know that I could be a positive addition to the world, rather than a problem only...
And it is that longing which has finally made the difference. I am afraid, that whether by design, or by some "failure" to endure, that I am not able to keep these weights on my shoulders... I love people, and want so badly to be a good thing to them, but when my whole self, my heart and soul,... all of me, has to be chained up, erased, and forgotten in order for others not to be hurt... it just makes me feel miserable. This word has been used too much by teenagers, I think... What I mean is real, soul-breaking misery. I am not valuable enough to be. The people I love most will only be hurt (and terribly so) if they see who I really am. So went the thoughts. It is unbearable for a soft spirit like me to know that, at best, I can only come out even with the world... add enough good to somehow make up for the apparently horrifying, disgusting truth hidden away inside. But how can I live as a wash? A compromise solution... And so, the old thoughts crept back in.
They are mourning over me already... and as long as I'm here, they will always mourn the loss of the boy they knew, that this "new me" has slain... might I spare them the lifetime of mourning all-together, and myself be free? My death would hurt my family, but I started wondering if it would hurt less, in the end, than my life. Kids, after all, lose parents all the time, and, if they are young when it happens, aren't too much the worse for the wear once they've grown... These are false statements, all, but that's how the mind works...
When I realized I'd become suicidal again, I knew that I'd lost one of my choices. I am terrified of being in that place again.. I've spent too much of my past on the verge of death... and I am terrified of it. I can't lose myself. If I die, even inwardly, then all the things that I am hoping to keep for my family are lost as well. A nice-looking, soul-dead father is not a father at all, nor a husband... I wish I had been someone else, someone stronger, or someone without emotion... someone else... because then I wouldn't be this problem. But, for better or for worse, God was pleased to let His daughter live. He liked me enough to allow this strange life... He knew the tears I'd cry all my life, and was willing to cry them with me, because I was valuable to Him. So, finally, I choose life... in what ever form I can have it, and I will hold up just as many of these plates as I can; maybe once a few come crashing down, we'll realize that the remainder are still quite nice to live with.
A Few Other Things
So there are other aspects of this. My wife realized, fairly recently, that, in insisting that I stay masculine, had lost her position as my safest place. There are defences I have to hold when I'm with her, so that I don't hurt her, and so when she says things that hurt me, even well-intentioned things, that I don't retaliate or make her feel bad for who she is. She realized that, if we take this path, she will always have been my de facto jailer... and the relationship between us could not be what either of us wanted. She wants to be the safest place on earth, for me, but cannot be that place if I have to find other people, mostly other trans girls, to cry with.
Hold that thought for just a moment so to add one more thing. Since I am in my 30's, I am nearing certain genetic cues that will make me very much more masculine than I have been. I will start losing my hairline, my beard will start becoming that "sexy" ash-tray look that the males in my family all have... My forehead and jaw will continue to become more angular. My body is getting hairier. These are horrifying things for a girl to go through... If that girl is already crying about having to live in a boy's body, these changes are entirely defeating emotionally. I cannot face it...
So these two reasons are why we decided that I really need hormones. I will no longer continue becoming more masculine, and that will buy both of us time to process. My wife's also been looking at pictures of post-transition women, and has realized that all her mental images are of drag-queens, which are NOT what most trans girl wants to look like... fairly counter-productive if all your feminine features ACCENT your masculinity, rather than erase it, after all.
Our Current Plan, and Unresolved Issues
So what she's suggested, not without a lot of fear, and a strong agreement not to set any of this in stone, is that I will go on hormones, and, once my body is far enough along to pass well, then start transitioning with clothing and such, but only at home. This is a bit backward from many ladies, who transition socially at the same time, or before, starting hormones, and then letting their bodies catch up. She knows, even though she doesn't like it, that seeing me in a "half-and-half" position will illicit a lot of transphobic gut-reactions, and she doesn't want that. Once I've transitioned at home, we'll also let our Church and local friends know, but not present as female in those places at first. The reason for this are two-fold. First, everyone needs time to decide whether they'll stick with intolerance or not. Forcing something on somebody is a very good way to get their negative counter-reaction, rather than the positive one that may (or may not) come through relationship, conversation, and contemplation. Secondly, and more importantly, it will mean that our girls will not have to be secret keepers. Everyone in their life will already know, even if they haven't seen, that I am transgender. There will be awkward moments, of course, but we hope that this will help reduce much of the shame they might otherwise feel.
We also want the two girls (our son is not yet one year old) to take part in the process. Let them help with things like clothes or hair, things we already do together, but now with me involved as a female. Our oldest, in particular, we want to be involved. Since the hormone changes will be so slow, it should give us a very nice long while to rework our family dynamic. I hope this will help.
What we don't know how to manage, is all of our old friends, churches, and, of course, family... there are some very intolerant people out there, and while most of them are not close friends, many are friends of friends, and will make things very challenging. My wife feels a lot of shame, in this regard. What will people think of her, after all. Will they look down as a mother, for keeping her kids in such a "toxic environment." Will they degrade her in their minds as one of "those homosexuals."
There's just all kinds of wonderful things to worry about in this category...
We also don't know how things will be in regards to intimacy and romance. We'll work on it, and rest assured, I will NOT blog about it much. (quite shy... and private... yeah...) There are religious questions that we are still grappling with as well.
So yeah, a lot of changes. The thrust of it is that I cannot be anyone if I am depressed and suicidal. Since this is not a chemical depression, but one caused by social marginalization, drugs would only help if they made me into a vegetable... so I've lost my choice to stay male. With that option gone, we are trying to make the best of what options remain. It hurts immensely. I know that the hammer is starting to fall... and it will fall on my wife most of all. The pain she feels is unbearable for me to see... but I cannot blame myself like I used to. I just can't go there again.
I am sad for the spouses that may read this blog. I hoped that I could encourage them... as much as the trans girls themselves, their wives face terrible emotional and societal abuse. I want to be helpful, but I don't want to be deceptive either.
Finally, anon, I want to encourage you in your faith. I WOULD NOT BE HERE except for Christ. He was the only one that held my hand through all the suicidal nights, all those many years. He is far more real than many people realize, and has been my ever-present help and encouragement. I would not know how to love, or to bear with, or to sacrifice except that He showed me first. Pray and listen, and He will help you both through this. He designed and chose both of you, and IS WITH YOU NOW. He will not abandon you to this, not ever. You are not alone with your spouse in this struggle, and He, unlike us, DOES see what's ahead, and brought you on this road. There is a reason for it, and it is a good one.
Thank you for your comment. I am sorry it took me so long to write this. Look me up on tumblr (haileygirlme) if you or her would like to get to know me (or potentially my wife, but she's a bit shy online). There are not very many Christian-identified transgender girls and spouses that I have met, but the few that have, have been so very good to know. You can message me through this blog, as well, if you like.
So to all who read this, thank you for walking with me through this. The love and support I've found in some of you ladies has been crucial during this period of my life. All my love and kindest regards!
- Hailey -
Hi Hailey, My husband and I are in a very similar situation. He is a non-transitioning xy tg girl, who lives fully as a man to the outside world. We are also new to our Christian life as well as our tg life. We found your blog about a week ago, and felt like we found kindred spirits in you and your wife. We were surprised to see your post about your hrt appt and beginning the transitioning process. If you don't mind my asking, what changed? And, what about your wife and little ones? How are they dealing with this change of plans? Thank you for being here online. It means a lot to us to have found someone dealing with similar things. You've been a comfort to my husband.
I've known I'd have to write this post for some time, but, as things often go, have tried to delay the inevitable. When I started this blog some months ago, my whole hope was to combat my dysphoria through my writing. I thought, if I could keep reminding myself of all the reasons why transitioning "will hurt everyone," that, through patience and discipline I could keep that hammer from falling onto my brittle life.
So what's changed, since then? I guess it's been a lot of things, some lesser, and some much greater. My line of reasoning for non-transition was really three-pronged, and each of those three ideas have been challenged. Firstly, my wife didn't want me to change. That alone, I thought, would keep me locked up forever. I would die for her, so why not live, albiet as a man that I'm not, for her? Secondly, my kids... How to even begin expounding all the ways society would make their life difficult because of me... and lastly, because, in love, I'd rather be hurt than to hurt; to sacrifice rather than require sacrifice, to cry myself, day after day, rather than cause tears.
What I hoped, was that in reminding myself of these, in clear, plain writing, which has so often helped me focus my thoughts and encourage myself, I might help myself endure, and, with any luck, help other people who are trying the same thing. I'd found nobody else like me, after all, and figured that if we were out there, nobody would know, precisely because we weren't transitioning. I thought maybe, somebody out there, might feel less lonely and hopeless because of me. Vain, maybe, but not the worst kind of vanity... Something inside of me wanted to know that I could be a positive addition to the world, rather than a problem only...
And it is that longing which has finally made the difference. I am afraid, that whether by design, or by some "failure" to endure, that I am not able to keep these weights on my shoulders... I love people, and want so badly to be a good thing to them, but when my whole self, my heart and soul,... all of me, has to be chained up, erased, and forgotten in order for others not to be hurt... it just makes me feel miserable. This word has been used too much by teenagers, I think... What I mean is real, soul-breaking misery. I am not valuable enough to be. The people I love most will only be hurt (and terribly so) if they see who I really am. So went the thoughts. It is unbearable for a soft spirit like me to know that, at best, I can only come out even with the world... add enough good to somehow make up for the apparently horrifying, disgusting truth hidden away inside. But how can I live as a wash? A compromise solution... And so, the old thoughts crept back in.
They are mourning over me already... and as long as I'm here, they will always mourn the loss of the boy they knew, that this "new me" has slain... might I spare them the lifetime of mourning all-together, and myself be free? My death would hurt my family, but I started wondering if it would hurt less, in the end, than my life. Kids, after all, lose parents all the time, and, if they are young when it happens, aren't too much the worse for the wear once they've grown... These are false statements, all, but that's how the mind works...
When I realized I'd become suicidal again, I knew that I'd lost one of my choices. I am terrified of being in that place again.. I've spent too much of my past on the verge of death... and I am terrified of it. I can't lose myself. If I die, even inwardly, then all the things that I am hoping to keep for my family are lost as well. A nice-looking, soul-dead father is not a father at all, nor a husband... I wish I had been someone else, someone stronger, or someone without emotion... someone else... because then I wouldn't be this problem. But, for better or for worse, God was pleased to let His daughter live. He liked me enough to allow this strange life... He knew the tears I'd cry all my life, and was willing to cry them with me, because I was valuable to Him. So, finally, I choose life... in what ever form I can have it, and I will hold up just as many of these plates as I can; maybe once a few come crashing down, we'll realize that the remainder are still quite nice to live with.
A Few Other Things
So there are other aspects of this. My wife realized, fairly recently, that, in insisting that I stay masculine, had lost her position as my safest place. There are defences I have to hold when I'm with her, so that I don't hurt her, and so when she says things that hurt me, even well-intentioned things, that I don't retaliate or make her feel bad for who she is. She realized that, if we take this path, she will always have been my de facto jailer... and the relationship between us could not be what either of us wanted. She wants to be the safest place on earth, for me, but cannot be that place if I have to find other people, mostly other trans girls, to cry with.
Hold that thought for just a moment so to add one more thing. Since I am in my 30's, I am nearing certain genetic cues that will make me very much more masculine than I have been. I will start losing my hairline, my beard will start becoming that "sexy" ash-tray look that the males in my family all have... My forehead and jaw will continue to become more angular. My body is getting hairier. These are horrifying things for a girl to go through... If that girl is already crying about having to live in a boy's body, these changes are entirely defeating emotionally. I cannot face it...
So these two reasons are why we decided that I really need hormones. I will no longer continue becoming more masculine, and that will buy both of us time to process. My wife's also been looking at pictures of post-transition women, and has realized that all her mental images are of drag-queens, which are NOT what most trans girl wants to look like... fairly counter-productive if all your feminine features ACCENT your masculinity, rather than erase it, after all.
Our Current Plan, and Unresolved Issues
So what she's suggested, not without a lot of fear, and a strong agreement not to set any of this in stone, is that I will go on hormones, and, once my body is far enough along to pass well, then start transitioning with clothing and such, but only at home. This is a bit backward from many ladies, who transition socially at the same time, or before, starting hormones, and then letting their bodies catch up. She knows, even though she doesn't like it, that seeing me in a "half-and-half" position will illicit a lot of transphobic gut-reactions, and she doesn't want that. Once I've transitioned at home, we'll also let our Church and local friends know, but not present as female in those places at first. The reason for this are two-fold. First, everyone needs time to decide whether they'll stick with intolerance or not. Forcing something on somebody is a very good way to get their negative counter-reaction, rather than the positive one that may (or may not) come through relationship, conversation, and contemplation. Secondly, and more importantly, it will mean that our girls will not have to be secret keepers. Everyone in their life will already know, even if they haven't seen, that I am transgender. There will be awkward moments, of course, but we hope that this will help reduce much of the shame they might otherwise feel.
We also want the two girls (our son is not yet one year old) to take part in the process. Let them help with things like clothes or hair, things we already do together, but now with me involved as a female. Our oldest, in particular, we want to be involved. Since the hormone changes will be so slow, it should give us a very nice long while to rework our family dynamic. I hope this will help.
What we don't know how to manage, is all of our old friends, churches, and, of course, family... there are some very intolerant people out there, and while most of them are not close friends, many are friends of friends, and will make things very challenging. My wife feels a lot of shame, in this regard. What will people think of her, after all. Will they look down as a mother, for keeping her kids in such a "toxic environment." Will they degrade her in their minds as one of "those homosexuals."
There's just all kinds of wonderful things to worry about in this category...
We also don't know how things will be in regards to intimacy and romance. We'll work on it, and rest assured, I will NOT blog about it much. (quite shy... and private... yeah...) There are religious questions that we are still grappling with as well.
So yeah, a lot of changes. The thrust of it is that I cannot be anyone if I am depressed and suicidal. Since this is not a chemical depression, but one caused by social marginalization, drugs would only help if they made me into a vegetable... so I've lost my choice to stay male. With that option gone, we are trying to make the best of what options remain. It hurts immensely. I know that the hammer is starting to fall... and it will fall on my wife most of all. The pain she feels is unbearable for me to see... but I cannot blame myself like I used to. I just can't go there again.
I am sad for the spouses that may read this blog. I hoped that I could encourage them... as much as the trans girls themselves, their wives face terrible emotional and societal abuse. I want to be helpful, but I don't want to be deceptive either.
Finally, anon, I want to encourage you in your faith. I WOULD NOT BE HERE except for Christ. He was the only one that held my hand through all the suicidal nights, all those many years. He is far more real than many people realize, and has been my ever-present help and encouragement. I would not know how to love, or to bear with, or to sacrifice except that He showed me first. Pray and listen, and He will help you both through this. He designed and chose both of you, and IS WITH YOU NOW. He will not abandon you to this, not ever. You are not alone with your spouse in this struggle, and He, unlike us, DOES see what's ahead, and brought you on this road. There is a reason for it, and it is a good one.
Thank you for your comment. I am sorry it took me so long to write this. Look me up on tumblr (haileygirlme) if you or her would like to get to know me (or potentially my wife, but she's a bit shy online). There are not very many Christian-identified transgender girls and spouses that I have met, but the few that have, have been so very good to know. You can message me through this blog, as well, if you like.
So to all who read this, thank you for walking with me through this. The love and support I've found in some of you ladies has been crucial during this period of my life. All my love and kindest regards!
- Hailey -
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
1st HRT appt Success!
Ok, last night was quite hectic, but I have a moment (right now) SOOO:
The appointment was really good. I dressed as girly as I could, because it helped me feel confident (right?). I had my purple tshirt on under my (purple) dress shirt all day, so I just quick pulled of the dress shirt in the bathroom before I was called in. Pink bracelet, hair foofy.. it was fun.
So as I was waiting, I was arguing with myself about whether or not I should use my new voice, or not. Actually, I was arguing about it all day, but it didn't get heated until I was waiting in the lobby. But then I realized, I will feel pretty awesome about myself if I get through a whole appointment in my girl voice, and I won't feel better about myself if I don't... SO... I did, and it rocked! So I did'nt go as high as I am able, but definitly kicked it up several notes.
OK, so the appointment itself. The Dr is really nice, and very kind. She was very up front about wanting me to feel comfortable and would adopt any terminology or definitions that I used, rather than try to nail down her own vocab (cause lets face it, everyone uses all the terms differently, on the best of days). She has treated only 3 other mtf's but is taking over for the psychiatrist on campus who used to do this but is retiring. She went through the professional contacts she'd made in the last few days to prepare to help ME (like, she's been on the phone with other doctors specifically for me!).
We went through all my medical and mental history, and all my family's history, and much else. She was convinced at the end that I definitely seemed ready to go on permanent-change allowed hormones, but since she's not an expert, wants to have the pscych people to talk to, as well as me, to move forward as a team. Seemed reasonable to me. =) I really like how humble she is about not knowing, but how clearly dedicated she is finding out what she needs to know. So, for follow-up, she booked two, double-length appointments to talk more in detail. One in two weeks, and another in four weeks. Hopefully, in that time, I will have had a couple two or three appts at councelling to get that end of it moving.
The last thing, as we were saying goodbye, was that she asked as to my name. "Are you going to keep your current name?" she asked. So I said no, and told her my chosen name is Hailey, with the whole "Hey, Lee," and family being able to call me Lee, for short, stuff. She was really tickled for some reason.. thought it was a great name and a great way to bridge to female, etc.. So then, she took my hand, and said, so sincerely, I could feel it, "Thanks for coming in, Hailey, I'm really glad that we are going to be able to work together on this." (I LOVE HEARING MY NAME!) happy sigh... =)
So yeah, she was very kind, and clearly very supportive. We didn't talk about timeline, really, but it was clear that once my councelor thinks this is a good idea, she'd have no reservations in going the next step medically.
YAY!
The appointment was really good. I dressed as girly as I could, because it helped me feel confident (right?). I had my purple tshirt on under my (purple) dress shirt all day, so I just quick pulled of the dress shirt in the bathroom before I was called in. Pink bracelet, hair foofy.. it was fun.
So as I was waiting, I was arguing with myself about whether or not I should use my new voice, or not. Actually, I was arguing about it all day, but it didn't get heated until I was waiting in the lobby. But then I realized, I will feel pretty awesome about myself if I get through a whole appointment in my girl voice, and I won't feel better about myself if I don't... SO... I did, and it rocked! So I did'nt go as high as I am able, but definitly kicked it up several notes.
OK, so the appointment itself. The Dr is really nice, and very kind. She was very up front about wanting me to feel comfortable and would adopt any terminology or definitions that I used, rather than try to nail down her own vocab (cause lets face it, everyone uses all the terms differently, on the best of days). She has treated only 3 other mtf's but is taking over for the psychiatrist on campus who used to do this but is retiring. She went through the professional contacts she'd made in the last few days to prepare to help ME (like, she's been on the phone with other doctors specifically for me!).
We went through all my medical and mental history, and all my family's history, and much else. She was convinced at the end that I definitely seemed ready to go on permanent-change allowed hormones, but since she's not an expert, wants to have the pscych people to talk to, as well as me, to move forward as a team. Seemed reasonable to me. =) I really like how humble she is about not knowing, but how clearly dedicated she is finding out what she needs to know. So, for follow-up, she booked two, double-length appointments to talk more in detail. One in two weeks, and another in four weeks. Hopefully, in that time, I will have had a couple two or three appts at councelling to get that end of it moving.
The last thing, as we were saying goodbye, was that she asked as to my name. "Are you going to keep your current name?" she asked. So I said no, and told her my chosen name is Hailey, with the whole "Hey, Lee," and family being able to call me Lee, for short, stuff. She was really tickled for some reason.. thought it was a great name and a great way to bridge to female, etc.. So then, she took my hand, and said, so sincerely, I could feel it, "Thanks for coming in, Hailey, I'm really glad that we are going to be able to work together on this." (I LOVE HEARING MY NAME!) happy sigh... =)
So yeah, she was very kind, and clearly very supportive. We didn't talk about timeline, really, but it was clear that once my councelor thinks this is a good idea, she'd have no reservations in going the next step medically.
YAY!
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